Odd, How Some Distrust Christians.

I am not a bible banging Christian, and there are many books I hold in high esteem. My mother was a Christian, and she was not a vocal Christian. In fact, if Christianity never came up in a conversation with another, that was fine. She gave all friendly people an equal opportunity. She loved her boys, and I do not doubt she prayed for us both (the wrench in the gut, desire for tears). I feel guilty that she never knew I am a Christian, and daily I walk with Jesus. My walk with Jesus relieves a small portion of my regret. Yet, I am sorrowful that while living she could not know that almost nineteen years from that November 22,  I would become a Christian. I have great regrets that only after her death, 17 years after her death I became desperate to know her, that as sure as I know she is with God I want to be with God, and I know I’m lost without Jesus Christ, God with us. I am so sorrowful that perhaps she didn’t even know I love her. and I always loved her. What can I say, but one night late as I was recovering from my greatest fear, that I would die without every expressing truest love for anyone or anything? I had come ten pints of whole blood, and four pints of platelets away from death itself. I would have never have been able to express gratitude, blessings, wonderment, and most of all love. I have had a tough time with anger. Sometimes I have exploded for no reason. I even since December 10, 2017, have professed Christ our Lord and Savior while blowing up so many times. I am desperate to make that right too. And, I have chronic pain, One good friend has expressed that there is a correlation between my pain flairs and anger, but standing on both feet today, I am in so much pain I am nearly doubled over. So, is there really a correlation? I don’t really know, because of today my emotions are gentle. I pray to God in Heaven, in Jesus name that I don’t erupt with anger. I know what all of this means, and back in the day, I would become terribly angry with my mother, a Christian, and sometimes she even begged me not to be angry. Is it only with women I have and do become angry. My daughter won’t allow it. She will also not allow the anger toward my wife to be put upon her, and finally, my wife won’t stand for it. I am a Christian and neither of them is a Christians, I am truly guilty of hypocrisy, and now as I claim great adoration, I choose to stand in the sight of God Almighty, what his love he befriends me, I ask in Jesus name, oh God don’t let me become angry, for His wounds Have paid my ransom! Chang my heart, oh God.

Published by elgwyn

I was a University and college writing teacher, now retired, so I write poetry, and essays, mostly free verse poetry. I love writing. Computers, tablets, and smart phones are the norm. When one sees university campuses with students looking at phones while walking to class, one realizes writing can be blogging. I am an ordinary man writing for artistic pleasure writing, and simple taste-- blogs are an answer to high priced self-publishing. Walt Whitman had to print his paper books himself, because in 1855, and 1860 poetry did not sell. It does not sell now unless you have a Pulitzer Prize and even then the poet usually makes a living in other ways than writing. In all ages there have been writers writing out of their own needs, and blogs are an answer to get rid of high cost of self creativity. I am an older man with fewer computer skills than my daughter who has been at computers since she was three, so here I can satisfy my need to write without spending too much on self-published books. All three blogs let me reach an audience missed by books and stand a better chance to reach a wider audience. My two books, Winter from Spring, Meditations on Gratitude, as Kindle books and paperbacks did not reach as many people as I wanted, and blogs can let me avoid the printer. Layout and design is expensive. For me writing is more like the charcoal jottings of preexisting civilization made only for posterity. Blogs face two problems as I see it. They might be submerged into a chaos of too much writing, and they depend on electronic storage. Yet, how's that different from electronic books which must have specialized publication? Paper disintegrates, blogs can be physically stored and organized for posterity in data banks. All organization becomes chaos at some point, but charcoal images on cave walls still exist after the author scribbled eons ago. So what if I reach only a few interested people, but hopefully, readers will reach out to me. Writing is essential for showing the ways of culture before history knows those ways. To record each individual is essential especial for billions of people who need to know enough reading beyond pictures to save a planet. Writing without profit isn't new to me. I'm not seeking to impress the audience. Poetry in general never sells, and personal confessional, and emotional writing exists sometimes like journal writings only for the author. At least here is my hope for wider audiences. My writing is personal and informal, but my writing expresses some serious ideas like the writing of contemporary writers to rise above chaos in my own simple way, above self-absorption, a meditation, the simple writing of an ordinary man. I hope to find my own way out of my own chaos and make my record stand alone if even in electrons. Though I hope never to express nightmare in my poetry, fiction, or essays, some serious considerations are important to me after centuries of mechanized nightmare. The next decade is probably of the same failure in our world. This decade looks to be another time of diminished individuals and the next as well. We all wish peace and hope will become normal. It looks like if hope reaches each individual, not governments there is satisfaction in making means of writing available to many. My hope is for each human being to give their own expression out of the abyss. If humankind is to survive in any common way, we must each be able to express maturity and take responsibility in something beyond self. Electronic media offers people these possibilities so long as computers can store individual lives. Here people can freely see what I write and what others write. Though I hold an MFA in creative writing my simple vision never found a wide audience. I was disappointed about this earlier in my life, but now it's just what one expects of such degrees. I found happiness in family and especially in love of my wife and daughter. Writing can be more than a pastime now that I'm older. I approach seven decades living with some disappointing times, and some satisfying times. I'm like most people, and I've been married more than 37 years, and we sent a successful daughter into the world. We happily live in a country where even the poorest have food. Often as a young man when I traveled for nearly one year through Europe, where does a culture begin to feed and house so many people, and how do all these people live in harmony since World War II? Maybe it's been a question of survival. Writers can hold a little corner with blogging, blogging for harmony and peace. This is my hope. This is my question.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: