I am not a bible banging Christian, and there are many books I hold in high esteem. My mother was a Christian, and she was not a vocal Christian. In fact, if Christianity never came up in a conversation with another, that was fine. She gave all friendly people an equal opportunity. She loved her boys, and I do not doubt she prayed for us both (the wrench in the gut, desire for tears). I feel guilty that she never knew I am a Christian, and daily I walk with Jesus. My walk with Jesus relieves a small portion of my regret. Yet, I am sorrowful that while living she could not know that almost nineteen years from that November 22, I would become a Christian. I have great regrets that only after her death, 17 years after her death I became desperate to know her, that as sure as I know she is with God I want to be with God, and I know I’m lost without Jesus Christ, God with us. I am so sorrowful that perhaps she didn’t even know I love her. and I always loved her. What can I say, but one night late as I was recovering from my greatest fear, that I would die without every expressing truest love for anyone or anything? I had come ten pints of whole blood, and four pints of platelets away from death itself. I would have never have been able to express gratitude, blessings, wonderment, and most of all love. I have had a tough time with anger. Sometimes I have exploded for no reason. I even since December 10, 2017, have professed Christ our Lord and Savior while blowing up so many times. I am desperate to make that right too. And, I have chronic pain, One good friend has expressed that there is a correlation between my pain flairs and anger, but standing on both feet today, I am in so much pain I am nearly doubled over. So, is there really a correlation? I don’t really know, because of today my emotions are gentle. I pray to God in Heaven, in Jesus name that I don’t erupt with anger. I know what all of this means, and back in the day, I would become terribly angry with my mother, a Christian, and sometimes she even begged me not to be angry. Is it only with women I have and do become angry. My daughter won’t allow it. She will also not allow the anger toward my wife to be put upon her, and finally, my wife won’t stand for it. I am a Christian and neither of them is a Christians, I am truly guilty of hypocrisy, and now as I claim great adoration, I choose to stand in the sight of God Almighty, what his love he befriends me, I ask in Jesus name, oh God don’t let me become angry, for His wounds Have paid my ransom! Chang my heart, oh God.
Published by elgwynone
I was a University and community college instructor before retiring. I also worked in fast food restaurants, and retail stores. I am an ordinary man writing for because I want to write and because my education prepared me to write; BA English lit, MA English, EdS higher education, and MFA creative writing, free verse poetry and essays. Blogs are an answer to high-priced self-publishing. Walt Whitman had to self-publish his first 1000 copies of the 1855 edition of Leaves of Grass because in 1855 poetry did not sell. Most poets make a living in other ways than writing. Wallace Stevens was an insurance executive, and TS Eliot was a banker. Many writers teach, and always there have been writers who have written because they needed to express their thoughts and feelings. They wrote not necessarily to make money but to express "the old universal truths of the human heart" according to Faulkner. Here I reach a wider audience I missed than by self-publishing, and I stand a better chance to reach a wider audience for less expense than self-publishing. I self-published my first books, Winter from Spring, and Meditations on Gratitude; poetry and photo books which were easier to self-publish than to seek a not to seek a publisher company. This blog allows me to write for an interested audience because I write poetry and personal essays. I write for a friendly audience and present to you a slice of my writing. Perhaps you will enjoy what you read. View more posts